Chromosomes

I posted on the transgender comm for the first time yesterday. And it was about turners. This is not what I ever expected to post about around here.

I thought to post it whilst responding to another post about female being the default gender. I had never really thought to connect trans and turners before. But now I'm wondering.

What is more - it was tagged (and not by me, I wasn't sure how to tag it) as intersex issues because it's a chromosome thing (I'm guessing).

The thing with turners is that you grow up being called a "turners girl". And it's very highly focused on being female and just a little bit feminine. Well, "all kinds of girls" have turners. Except I'm not a girl. And I'm just beginning to connect some of my discomfort with all those hospital appointments and being a trans turners BOY.

What little boy need to hear himself compared physically with girls and women regularly. No wonder I switched off and repressed the experience. I thought it had just been because the doctors would talk over my head, but thinking about it I was never normally the kind of child to be put off by such things.

In so many ways my childhood was fairly happy. Very often, until I started to hit puberty, my family were happy to treat me as a boy and have others treat me as such. But then there were the six monthly hospital appointments and being talked about as a girl. I apparently said as a child, in all seriousness, "when I grow up I'm going to be a boy". So is it any wonder that I felt so uncomfortable when my doctors talked about my future as a woman? (regardless of what I would be when I grew up, at the time I didn't view myself as a girl)

Some how I got past all that, and in some ways I think I'm still carrying the mental mess that it gave me. I think it delayed me seeing myself as trans. That delay has muddied the waters for me and makes it harder to consider transitioning. My family were so great, but one thing they never did was to take me really seriously and talk to the doctors about it. But then obviously, I was just a child; what did I know?

Still not certain how turners relates to intersex or even being trans, medically, but it would probably be an interesting research question for someone so inclined. I'm not normally inclined to "blame" the past for the present because you can't change the past, but it's right now feeling part of the journey and it's called transitioning for a reason right?)

More relationships

I'm getting over the mess caused in my mind by my friend breaking up with her husband and boyfriend. I realised I don't have the same issues. Yes there's something not completely right about our relationship but it's a lack of time rather than a lack of interest thing. We'd both do a lot for our relationship rather than risk it.

I was reading the vox trans 101 (sorry about the lack of links) and there is says about how before sex with a transperson it's important to discuss what can and can't be touched etc. I realised that my fiance and I do that already. I think he prefers not to think about why I'd rather not have my breasts touched sometimes, but he is respectful. But he's straight so in some ways I have to leave my gender outside of the bedroom. That isn't so great but for the time being it's a fair enough trade off because otherwise he's very, not understanding, but accepting in a way. He doesn't understand why I feel like I do, but he doesn't judge me for it and doesn't lump it all together. He doesn't demand I behave like a woman all the time.

In contrast my girlfriend doesn't demand I be any gender but that which I'm comfortable with. Shame she lives so far away really.

And there's someone else I wish I could just stop yearning for.

PS breasts have started giving some backache. Will have to start thinking seriously about breast reduction (yes reduction not removal. Probably). Small breasts I could hide more easily, that would be nice.

AGAIN my third post of the day.

And I'm once again bitching and moaning about missing and pining for a certain someone. It's stupid and can go away now. Okay, I can hear one of my friends telling me off for the stupid comment, because feelings are feelings and there they are. But still, it's not what I want to be feeling and I don't know what to do with those feelings. I guess I should go and distract myself really. But it will probably lead to daydreams. This is why I call this pining. Stupid feelings go away now.