meegosh

This post is overdue. I meant to write it about a week ago.

Last week I found myself grieving for the life that would not be lived. Not in a way that felt like the door I was closing was the path I wanted to take. It felt more like I was just realising that I was putting aside the life, and the expectations which had gone with that life, aside. I could suddenly understand my mother's grief.

My girlfriend framed it as that I had been [old name] for a long time. But it doesn't feel like that encompassed it entirely. I wanted to do *something* to remember that life or perhaps to release it from me. Lay some flowers or something.

Shit's happened since then and I've moved on. But I wanted to record that this feeling happened. I don't know if this feeling is common to other trans folk or not. But it feels a bit like the first time I've been able to get some perspective on the past.

I share this for everyone GLBT and/or christian who might read this:  74year old woman is charged with assault for kissing a hate preacher.

I think she did a very christian act. She saw someone filled with hate and instead of threatening them or belittling them she hugged and kissed them on the cheek. And yet a "christian" minister is charging her with assault.

Love thy neighbour indeed.

At least a few times a day I get asked this towards the end of a call at work. Sometimes it's because the person is keeping a record of who they talk to, sometimes because they just want to have a name to say thank you to. It happens. Even if the gender of your name matches the apparent gender of your voice.

Only now it makes my stomach churn. Because I've been asked it half a dozen times since I changed my name at work. And half those times I got a comment about my name. And whilst I have comebacks to most of the comments I get it still makes my stomach churn.

So management already knew and I had organised with my manager on monday to tell my team during our team meeting today. Our team meetings are fairly informal. They generally start with a minimal amount of business and then the rest of the hour talking through anything that needs to be talked through.

I can't even remember much of what I said. It centred about my name change and something about the depression. But my team seemed to get it. Loads of support. Some questions. One team mate expressed his support. One stayed quiet. One said she'd thought I had been about to announce that I was pregnant. One had kind of wondering. Another had just figured that I was a tom boy. One guy sent me an email of support straight after.

My team leader then sent me a copy of the email he was going to send out to other team leaders to send to their teams. It was basically [old name] has changed her name to [new name]. It bothered me and I replied to ask him to change the her to his. I knew when it had gone round because emails of support started to come through.

After the meeting I started to use my new name on the phone with customers. My team leader got my name changed on my emails and got me a new name card for my desk. It'll be a couple of days for my new name badge. Working on the phones I have a little bit that I say at the start of each call that includes my name. And I have said it at least 20k times with my old name. So I have never struggled so much to remember my own name!

So in short - it was positive. We'll see how things go from here. I don't expect them to go downhill because I'm very well protected at work, but you know, this is just the start. But it feels good.

• no internet for three weeks because of a "technical problem at the exchange". It returned today. 
• my mental health went more downhill the longer I was without internet
• I went on camp with the guys the group. There was about 40 of us and I had an awesome time
• I took part in a singing group on camp and we sounded awesome and all harmony like. Bit Warbles like. And I have discovered you can hide many sins by getting people to sing like that. It was also good to learn ways to make my voice sound lower without straining my voice. And I really enjoyed singing, I would like to find a group locally so I can do more singing.
• We also went swimming at a local pool. We spent most of our hour in the pool trying to see if we could see a group of us could stand on large float. (answer - yes, with 8 of us and a lot of closeness)
• My hopes have been raised by someone saying that in many cases charing cross will write a letter for hormones after a second appointment. I know I don't see them but still, my hopes are raised because I have my second appointment in less than 3 weeks and really would like a deeper/lower voice already now.
• after having spent the weekend being called my proper name I returned to work today and had a customer ask "can I take your name for my records?". Answering with my old name hurt my head and I actually struggled to say it. I then went and asked my manager if I could speak to him. In short - later this week I am explaining to my team mates/colleagues that my name has changed and that I am male. So bar folks in my village/scouts, that will be stuff in place and my proper "real life experience" begun.
• I want a new binder in time for going to london this weekend, so I tried to order one from amazon only to discover that most of the underworks stuff on there isn't available in my size. so I've had to buy NOT the one I wanted. I will be ordering from t-kingdom next month because I really really want on of theirs.

There is more but have run out of time/energy to write it up or even to remember it all after 3 weeks. Hope everyone is keeping well.

I was with one of the new guys at the Laurels. It was an hour long. I expected to have to reharsh much of the stuff that I'd rehashed in previous appointments about why I think I'm trans. I was expecting to have to rehash traumatic stuff and feel rather shit at the end of it.

I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, I did have to rehash about my childhood. I did have to talk about the depression and relive some shit things. But we didn't dwell on them. I also got asked about how far I'd gotten and where i wanted things to go.  Which was expected . . . but still nice considering he didn't seem to think less of me for saying that I'm not interested in making a decision about surgery on my genitals until I've explored how I feel after hormones and chest surgery.

The really surprising thing was that he recognised that I have been sliding into role. Having described how I had recently done my deedpoll, spoken to my manager, how I have been formulating plans for coming out with my manager, how all my friends have started to use my new name and new pronouns, my family know and are supportive . . . he said he felt that I was pretty much starting my real life experience nowish. I need to get my deedpoll back from my mum (I was using her address for it to be returned because I don't trust our post atm) so I can carry on getting my documents changed and take it with me next time. Work is the final hurdle and one way or another I'm coming out there in a couple of weeks time. It would be next week if my manager wasn't away. I can't keep using my old name on paperwork, it's getting really frustrating. It's less about talking to customers and more about writing out that old name.

So housemove tomorrow and then I need to go clothes shopping soon.

So today I have a routine check up with my GP about my anti-depressants. And I get there and she asks me whether I'm excited about my appointment on friday. Guh? She had on my notes a scan of a letter from the clinic saying that I have an appointment on friday. News to me, I haven't had this letter from them. I copy the details of the letter down. My GP notices that there was a form included with the letter so i figure that I'd call the clinic after my GP appointment so that I can figure out getting them to send me another copy.

So I phone the clinic. And first of all they struggle to find my details. Then try and tell me that the appointment was last week. And then offer me the same slot in the letter. And then confirm that they have my address right (not sure that they're telling the truth, and clearly they've never been told you NEVER confirm an address over the phone). All of this involves me being on hold a few times, and a total of nearly 6 minutes (which is a long call, I should know). By the time that they're done offering me the same appointment that the letter had offered me - I'm off the phone and then realise that I have no idea whether they're going to resend me the form or not. I'm guessing not. I really hope, since the original letter said to bring the form with to my appointment, that it wasn't something that will prevent my appointment going through because that will really piss me off. Because I got my deedpoll returned to my mother's address so I won't be able to take it into my appointment. All that effort and pretty much nothing to show for it come the appointment. Well, I have a cheque in my new name which has been used. I guess that's SOME evidence of having used my new name.

Trying to remind myself not to get too eager. It's still going to be a slow process. And to be honest at the moment I have too much else on my plate, I can't make more changes than I already have because of everything else. They're on hold until I have completed at least ONE house move. (got my car back todat) But you know, please be excited for me.

My new cheque book and bank card have arrived!! In my new name!!

Must sort out legal copies of deedpoll so can get driving licence changed in a couple of weeks (once moved). Actually will then need to start working through that list of places I need to change my name with. 

that I need to blog about today. Alas I have run out of time to do so today. So please me remind that I need to write about it. Because there was a pretty big moment today and it kind of got overshadowed.

So after a rather chipper start to yesterday, my mental health rather went downhill to the point where I wasn't fully functioning. I knew it was the dysphoria in particular when I *really* started to wibble at the thought of getting naked to shower.

It's been a few weeks now since I was showering in the near dark because the dysphoria wouldn't let me cope with the sight of my own naked body. At home I normally shower by a single tealight when I'm that bad. Only I wasn't home last night, I was at my mum's. So I had to go for a navy shower instead. Shortest possible time naked. My head was not on straight.

And I had a realisation last night as well. I've heard plenty of folks further along with transition than me comment about the dysphoria never really goes away. My interpretation of that is that the trigger parts of our bodies shift and that our bodies can still affect us in a negative way. But last night I realised that my biggest trigger is often the contrast between when I manage to get myself to a point where I feel comfortable (which currently is clothed) and the "truth" of my body. And yeah, I have a feeling it might never go away. I might feel as negatively about scars as I do about the lumps and bumps now. But it's no reason not to transition. I might always feel body dysphoria, but hopefully transition can deal with the dysphoria which is gender based rather than body based, and will ease some of the body dysphoria. And I hope that's not an unrealistic expectation.

PS At team meeting today we all got reminded to return ASAP our sheets with all our info, so that the database can be updated with our details. I'm holding onto mine until my one-to-one tomorrow because I think it'll be a good step in to explaining to my manager. "So I didn't want to fill it in without explaining the name change on it to you". I figure it's a good enough lead in. I don't know what I want from work yet but I know I need to tell them. My plan was to figure out how to start transition at work ASAP but with so much RL crap going on I might need to delay a little to get stuff sorted out. That's just my thinking and I will make it clear that I might need to move things on a bit faster if I react badly mentally to waiting, but trying not to pile too much onto myself at once. Oh and STILL no word on an appointment at the clinic.