Butch

Ever since I wrote in a previous post about not wanting to look "butch" I realised I should probably clarify what I want by the term butch.

Butch to me is about someone being hyper masculine. VERY masculine. I find that even most cis blokes just aren't that kind of masculine these days so for me being more masculine isn't about being butch. A cisbloke is masculine by his nature, whatever form that takes. For example my fiance does quite masculine, almost butch, type work. He makes knives. He works in his woods. He runs round with his chainsaw and cuts down trees (okay, maybe not butch). But seriously; people expect him to be tall and broad and have a bushy bread. BUT at the same time he enjoys sewing and baking cakes and other typically feminine things, which to me means he's not hyper masculine. And few cis blokes are. But they don't feel the need to justify themselves when it comes to their gender ( kind of the definition of cispriviledge) so I don't feel the need to be butch either. Just because  wasn't born with a penis doesn't mean I have to act hyper butch. Of course some blokes are like this, cis or trans, and that's up to them. But I'm not a butch type of bloke and I don't particularly want to be a butch type of women when I'm presenting as a woman (did I say in my last post I don't "present" as a gender, I just am? oops).

I'm never especially feminine, even when I enjoy being a woman, and I don't feel any special need to be especially masculine either.

I hope that clears things up a little. I just wanted to get my thoughts down to stop them going round my head so much. And that is what this journal exists for afterall.

PS sparks, I'm back on messenger, but my other account (the one I use for my main lj account). Can't seem to get your email address right in order to add you. Can you add me?

Crap (relationships)

Second post in a row because I was composing both of them whilst I walked the dog.


I'm in a bit of a general soul searching place right now. Not just about being trans, but because I'm trying to work out a career (been without a job for more than 5 months now), and because of my relationships. It's about relationships that I post now really.

I'm not sure if I've explained before on here that I'm poly. I've never been in many relationships in my life (three that I'd count plus the two week relationship I'd like to pretend never happened). First was when I was 18 and we broke up 18 months later. It's difficult to write about even now. I was madly in love with him. I loved him before I went out with him and we were and are very good friends. But we went to different unis and I met someone else. It was a long and painful decision to break up that I took 9 months to make. Within a couple of weeks I was going out with my now fiance. Just over a month later we were engaged.

I am bisexual. I have been fairly sure of that since, well since I first seriously started thinking about sex. I have been certain if it for years now. But having gone straight from one relationship to another I was felt feeling that I'd had no space to explore and develop by myself. The only way to do that and keep my fiance was to open the relationship. It took time but then I met my girlfriend. A joy in my life that she is.

Now me and fianace have been together for 5 and a half years. We've had our ups and downs. I've had them with my girlfriend too. But we've always tried to carry on muddling through. I've still always been seeking that way to develop myself whilst remaining in my relationships.

Then recently I've learnt that another poly friend has remet an ex boyfriend from school. They've continued to carry a torch for each other. That she doesn't love her husband anymore, so she's left him and her boyfriend to move away and start again with new boyfriend/school ex. And it's kind of knocked me for six. It's made me question where I don't want to question. And that's making me worried that I should be questioning it.

Maybe I need time away from my relationships and to just work on myself for a while. I just don't think I have the resources for that at the moment. I have no money and no income. And besides - I still very much love my fiance and don't like being away from him. But I'm scared that we want different things from life and I'm not sure how to match them up.

So I've been knocked for six and left doubting some of the major elements of my life. But it has made me realise something, no, be able to articulate something - that my primary relationship needs work, and that I need to work on my self identity.

Third post for the day

Missing people bums. Especially when you've no way of seeing them. And they're crap at responding to text messages.