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Failure and Success
May. 6th, 2009 10:48 amFailure - despite everything I have ever done to try and ensure that my relationship is as strong as possible: my OH cheated on me. And then lied about it. Communication had been failing recently (something neither of us really realised until this weekend) and he thought that he was still within the rules. He wasn't. Realised and tried to downplay it and lied. This was pretty much the final straw on his shit. He's messed me around enough that if this happens again without a much concerted effort to improve himself and our relationship I will leave him. Days later and I'm still hurting. It was only a snog but it came after a week of him running around too busy to see me and in the middle of a weekend where he didn't have much time for me. He's realised just what a shit he's been and is desperate to make things better, but I still hurt. I'm a little self-destructive with it all but it's such a contrast to what else has happened between us since then.
Success - OH is beginning to accept masculine me. My otherwise straight boyfriend has now had sex with me as Henry. And enjoyed it. Sorry to be crude but I am not refering to anal sex. It doesn't appeal to either of us and even if it had it probably would have been too much to mentally cope with after everything this weekend. But he confessed that he had been thinking about buying me a binder and either adapting my harness/cock to improve it or making me a completely new one (including talking to people he knows about making something more flesh like). He has called me Henry. Used male pronouns. It's not going to be full time but I don't want it to be. But we have discovered that a genderfluid relationship is possible, even if a fully gay one isn't. BUT that has gone from a definite NO to a probably no. In the space of a few days. We were both honestly a fair bit surprised that my coming to bed with harness/cock on didn't completely turn him off, but he seems to have enjoyed playing with it. I wanted to explore with him, but am a little peeved that I didn't get to use it with my girlfriend before him. He said that from everything I have said about my childhood that even before I said anything to him about my gender confusion that he almost thought it would happen. So he's had a fair old time to get use to everything and has appriciated the slow way that I've gone about this. I think it's made all the difference. Plus I think he's learning a lot about his own sexuality, and possibly gender. Watch this space, this could get interesting.
I feel more validated in my gender from his reaction. I hate that someone else's reaction had such a big effect on my own feelings about my own gender, but yesterday and today I have managed to not just cope with having fitted tops on, but have half way enjoyed it again.
Success - OH is beginning to accept masculine me. My otherwise straight boyfriend has now had sex with me as Henry. And enjoyed it. Sorry to be crude but I am not refering to anal sex. It doesn't appeal to either of us and even if it had it probably would have been too much to mentally cope with after everything this weekend. But he confessed that he had been thinking about buying me a binder and either adapting my harness/cock to improve it or making me a completely new one (including talking to people he knows about making something more flesh like). He has called me Henry. Used male pronouns. It's not going to be full time but I don't want it to be. But we have discovered that a genderfluid relationship is possible, even if a fully gay one isn't. BUT that has gone from a definite NO to a probably no. In the space of a few days. We were both honestly a fair bit surprised that my coming to bed with harness/cock on didn't completely turn him off, but he seems to have enjoyed playing with it. I wanted to explore with him, but am a little peeved that I didn't get to use it with my girlfriend before him. He said that from everything I have said about my childhood that even before I said anything to him about my gender confusion that he almost thought it would happen. So he's had a fair old time to get use to everything and has appriciated the slow way that I've gone about this. I think it's made all the difference. Plus I think he's learning a lot about his own sexuality, and possibly gender. Watch this space, this could get interesting.
I feel more validated in my gender from his reaction. I hate that someone else's reaction had such a big effect on my own feelings about my own gender, but yesterday and today I have managed to not just cope with having fitted tops on, but have half way enjoyed it again.
