Apr. 1st, 2011

meegosh: (Default)
so I told ex-team leader today. She has known much of my struggles with depression, with trying to get NHS funding (although not what for), and the near break down last summer and I explained in that context. I explained that the psych had diagnosed me with gender identity disorder because I wasn't comfortable with saying the word "trans". And she got it, not just what I was getting at but also that it's something that is hardwired about people.

Amongst telling me that she's proud of me, and other stuff, she also said that she thought I was really brave. And because it was my end of year review and it did bring back memories from over the last year and I think yes, I have actually been fantastically brave. Not because I'm trans, but because I've battled depression, self-harm, professional disappointment, an identity crisis and a whole mountain of self-realisation and discovery AND I have not missed a single day of work off sick with any of this. At the height of my breakdown I very quickly took a couple of days annual leave to pull myself together to be able to function again. But I have delivered consistently good IMPROVEMENT at work, helped support my team though some difficult change and faced the difficulty of all the changes in my relationship with love and communication. I have been fantastically brave. And today I am wearing that badge. Tomorrow is something else though.

Not to suggest that those who feel they have rather caved under similar weights, because frankly if you're faced similar difficulties and are still here then you are amasingly brave. And perhaps we should take a moment to realise that we really are that brave. Be proud of it. We are fantastic. And yes there are certain people I am thinking of right now, but everyone knows their own story and whether they are brave or not. Sometimes being brave isn't being a hero but simply getting from one day to the next. It takes a lot of bravery sometimes to have enough hope to believe that tomorrow might be better.

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meegosh

July 2011

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