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That missed time
Oct. 8th, 2010 10:16 pmThis is difficult to write. Not because it's difficult to face but because it's difficult to articulate.
I'm not fully socially transitioned yet, but already I wish I'd taken steps to do so YEARS back. I wish I could go back to my late teens and do this. I know I can't, and in some ways this is SO the right time for me to transition. I'm really glad to be in a position where I have a job and where I can seek progression without having to change organisation. But at the same time I'm just beginning to realise myself.
I was uptight in my late teens/early twenties. I think because of the constant fear of standing out and not fitting in. I know it doesn't seem like a straight forward connection but it was for me. I feared giving up control. I think in my mind giving up control would mean that people would see past and I would be exposed. It's not a connection in my mind I really understand and it's very difficult to describe but I want to try and paint the picture for you. I found trying to convince myself and others that I was a woman very difficult and stressful, even when it wasn't something I was doing consciously.
I think that our teens and early twenties are all about working out who we are. It's about being young and having fun and working through all that stuff. And whilst I kind of did that stuff - I wish I had the chance to do it again, only as me this time. I want the chance to be a young man and work monday to friday and then hang out with my friends in the pub after work on a friday. I want a chance to get drunk and crawl home with my mates. But I do not live in much of a positive to do this. I live in the sticks, have responsibilities and a partner who is often away at weekends.
Oh and I still get anxious about what the hell I'm going to wear. Women's clothing made me uncomfortable, and I just have no idea how to dress as a bloke. I'll figure stuff out, but sometimes I wish I had the chance to be a teenager again because that's meant to be the time in my life I figure this stuff out. Maybe I'll make up for the lost time and maybe I won't, but it sucks that I missed out on it the first time round.
I'm not fully socially transitioned yet, but already I wish I'd taken steps to do so YEARS back. I wish I could go back to my late teens and do this. I know I can't, and in some ways this is SO the right time for me to transition. I'm really glad to be in a position where I have a job and where I can seek progression without having to change organisation. But at the same time I'm just beginning to realise myself.
I was uptight in my late teens/early twenties. I think because of the constant fear of standing out and not fitting in. I know it doesn't seem like a straight forward connection but it was for me. I feared giving up control. I think in my mind giving up control would mean that people would see past and I would be exposed. It's not a connection in my mind I really understand and it's very difficult to describe but I want to try and paint the picture for you. I found trying to convince myself and others that I was a woman very difficult and stressful, even when it wasn't something I was doing consciously.
I think that our teens and early twenties are all about working out who we are. It's about being young and having fun and working through all that stuff. And whilst I kind of did that stuff - I wish I had the chance to do it again, only as me this time. I want the chance to be a young man and work monday to friday and then hang out with my friends in the pub after work on a friday. I want a chance to get drunk and crawl home with my mates. But I do not live in much of a positive to do this. I live in the sticks, have responsibilities and a partner who is often away at weekends.
Oh and I still get anxious about what the hell I'm going to wear. Women's clothing made me uncomfortable, and I just have no idea how to dress as a bloke. I'll figure stuff out, but sometimes I wish I had the chance to be a teenager again because that's meant to be the time in my life I figure this stuff out. Maybe I'll make up for the lost time and maybe I won't, but it sucks that I missed out on it the first time round.
