You know - I hate my body

It took me years to be able to take pride in my appearance and actually give a shit about trying to look attractive and my best rather than just ok. It was part of my "forgetting" my proper gender. In "remembering" again I've started to not give a shit again. Oh I'll try and look presentable but I'm not bothered so much about looking my "best" or looking attractive beyond presentable.

If any of that makes sense.

Or at least the above is true when presenting as my assigned gender. As my proper gender I take much more care and pay much more attention.

None of this would be much of a problem except for that the only time I'm bothered and actually present properly as a woman is at work. So I'm going to have to try and find a balance somewhere clearly. Rather than just getting by with the clothes that I have and blocking the image of myself with a female body dressed in them. I know it's not healthy but I'm not ready for the alternative - that of starting to present as for masculine at work. I am not ready and not there yet.

I need to be able to keep my dual life up a while longer. Really I do.

*part of the problem that started this is because I'm fighting a crush on a straight boy who I work with. three guesses who?