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Reading about young TS folk
Jan. 2nd, 2010 04:25 pm You know, the ones who get to transition whilst in their teens, and some even younger.
It hurts. It hurts because I was offered that chance and I turned it down and I regret it. All these years spent living as a woman could have been avoided. I might have found a way to fit in better. I might, I might, I might.
And then the guilt kicks in. Guilt because as much as I might regret the 'what ifs', there's opportunities I got to take because I did live that time as a woman. The people I met, the private school I went to, the things I've managed to do because I was able to pull female privilege and bat my eyelids and make something happen. And because I know that MrP is right, short men have a much harder time in the romantic department than short women.
Gender issues tear me up inside. Examining them, looking at them too much, thinking about them too much, well it is just so hard. I can't find the answers. They make me look and feel like a crazy person. Because that's how I would be viewed if I didn't hide in this woman's shell. I've heard openly sexist comments by those who live around me in my small community. And I've heard openly transphobic comments from my colleagues too. If I must then I will transition around them. As horrid as the comments are I don't fear for my safety, nor do I think it would be a problem at work.
However this is essentially the same problem that I've had since puberty started - when those waves of dysphoria kick in; I do something about it, but as soon as the wave ends I find myself falling back on the socially easy option of ignoring my own true identity.
This isn't an easy path. Only a fool would think it. And right now it is making me feel like I'm crazy and it's something I am just having difficulty facing.
It hurts. It hurts because I was offered that chance and I turned it down and I regret it. All these years spent living as a woman could have been avoided. I might have found a way to fit in better. I might, I might, I might.
And then the guilt kicks in. Guilt because as much as I might regret the 'what ifs', there's opportunities I got to take because I did live that time as a woman. The people I met, the private school I went to, the things I've managed to do because I was able to pull female privilege and bat my eyelids and make something happen. And because I know that MrP is right, short men have a much harder time in the romantic department than short women.
Gender issues tear me up inside. Examining them, looking at them too much, thinking about them too much, well it is just so hard. I can't find the answers. They make me look and feel like a crazy person. Because that's how I would be viewed if I didn't hide in this woman's shell. I've heard openly sexist comments by those who live around me in my small community. And I've heard openly transphobic comments from my colleagues too. If I must then I will transition around them. As horrid as the comments are I don't fear for my safety, nor do I think it would be a problem at work.
However this is essentially the same problem that I've had since puberty started - when those waves of dysphoria kick in; I do something about it, but as soon as the wave ends I find myself falling back on the socially easy option of ignoring my own true identity.
This isn't an easy path. Only a fool would think it. And right now it is making me feel like I'm crazy and it's something I am just having difficulty facing.
