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About a week ago (I haven't been online enough to write about it here) I realised something. I am generally unhappy and have been for quite some time. The reason I am writing about this here in particular is a depressingly worrying thought that maybe I'm trans because I'm unhappy with myself and want to transform and be someone else because maybe it would make me happy.
To be perfectly honest I have realised that I'm unhappy with where I live, my career prospects, and that's about it I think. Everything else is less certain. Everything else is tied up with those things.
I'm unhappy with where I live because I need more socialisation than I'm getting. I feel too isolated here. Maybe that would improve with a job because I didn't have too much of a problem before I quit the last job I enjoyed.
As for career. Well I haven't really missed archaeology as much as I've missed studying. And I've been wondering whether all that wasted time during college wasn't due to not really being as interested in my subjects as I should have been. Which brings me round to what do I enjoy. Well I think perhaps the thing I always return to is - science.
So I've had a bit of a nose at options there. I think I could potentially train and earn doing something sciency in health stuff. But as normal, change scares me and I run hiding. I've not looked hard enough and I keep making excuses.
Career is the biggy and I think if I were to perhaps study elsewhere for a bit then I might feel better. None of this was helped by failing my driving test AGAIN. 3 minors and then I mess up my bay park at the very end and the bastard failed me.
But I know I have issues about gender. I think all things aside - gender queer is perhaps where I want to be. But I'm as yet unclear how to get where I want to be. Because I am not happy enough dressing more masculine, I need to do more. The hair will be cut again (it's far too long at the moment), and I would like a breast reduction. I think. Reduction? Removal? I'm leaning, as I don't think I'm naturally skinny, towards a reduction. According to my future sister in law who's had a reduction, you choose the size. Since I'm not skinny I figure I could get away with just having small breasts. Either easier to bind or to pass as moobs. If this sounds like a decision btw, I think you're being fooled. But if I want to stay with my fiance a complete removal or hormones will be out of the question. He has stated that he doesn't care what size they are as long as there's still something there.
I'm fairly sure I need me some councelling. But I just can't find the words to talk to my GP (I'd feel like I was wasting their time) and private I just can't afford. Amasingly I managed to not breath a word of this during my visit home this week. But it made me realise that whilst I had made steps towards accepting the female body/ perhaps becoming more feminine, I have changed and am no longer that person. I have accepted that the feminine body was never the body that I wanted. I never have and never will, want to be feminine.
Oh and, I have mostly stopped whining and pining, but have still thought about him most days. Pathetic I know.
To be perfectly honest I have realised that I'm unhappy with where I live, my career prospects, and that's about it I think. Everything else is less certain. Everything else is tied up with those things.
I'm unhappy with where I live because I need more socialisation than I'm getting. I feel too isolated here. Maybe that would improve with a job because I didn't have too much of a problem before I quit the last job I enjoyed.
As for career. Well I haven't really missed archaeology as much as I've missed studying. And I've been wondering whether all that wasted time during college wasn't due to not really being as interested in my subjects as I should have been. Which brings me round to what do I enjoy. Well I think perhaps the thing I always return to is - science.
So I've had a bit of a nose at options there. I think I could potentially train and earn doing something sciency in health stuff. But as normal, change scares me and I run hiding. I've not looked hard enough and I keep making excuses.
Career is the biggy and I think if I were to perhaps study elsewhere for a bit then I might feel better. None of this was helped by failing my driving test AGAIN. 3 minors and then I mess up my bay park at the very end and the bastard failed me.
But I know I have issues about gender. I think all things aside - gender queer is perhaps where I want to be. But I'm as yet unclear how to get where I want to be. Because I am not happy enough dressing more masculine, I need to do more. The hair will be cut again (it's far too long at the moment), and I would like a breast reduction. I think. Reduction? Removal? I'm leaning, as I don't think I'm naturally skinny, towards a reduction. According to my future sister in law who's had a reduction, you choose the size. Since I'm not skinny I figure I could get away with just having small breasts. Either easier to bind or to pass as moobs. If this sounds like a decision btw, I think you're being fooled. But if I want to stay with my fiance a complete removal or hormones will be out of the question. He has stated that he doesn't care what size they are as long as there's still something there.
I'm fairly sure I need me some councelling. But I just can't find the words to talk to my GP (I'd feel like I was wasting their time) and private I just can't afford. Amasingly I managed to not breath a word of this during my visit home this week. But it made me realise that whilst I had made steps towards accepting the female body/ perhaps becoming more feminine, I have changed and am no longer that person. I have accepted that the feminine body was never the body that I wanted. I never have and never will, want to be feminine.
Oh and, I have mostly stopped whining and pining, but have still thought about him most days. Pathetic I know.
