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Dealing with people
Feb. 1st, 2009 05:57 pmI don't like being in crowds or groups of people where I don't really have anyone to talk to. I know most people don't really suffer it, and to be honest I live with it, but it leaves me so deeply unhappy. It upsets me.
So it was my stepfather's retirement/60th birthday party last night. I travelled up especially to help out and to go to said party. Except that all through yesterday I was getting more and more internally freaked by the thought of it. By internally freaked I mean that I was getting freaked, but it was fairly subconscious. Affecting me, but not in a way that I realised until it was too late.
So I have scratches on my leg. There was floods of tears. I beat myself. Oh and then ended up hiding in a corner. Oh so manly.
So my mother suggested that if it was affecting me that badly that I didn't go. So I didn't. And felt much more able to be involved in helping again.
So it feels a little like a revelation in that I hadn't really realised before that groups of people I don't know or don't want to talk to actually freak me out that badly. And it probably explains why I act so badly in the build up to family events. I didn't realise it before because I have a fantastically supportive fiance who will help organise things so that I don't get left alone or whatever for too long during social events. The bad thing? I have not one fucking clue what to do about it.
Not entirely sure how it all relates to being trans, except that it feels like a hurdle that's going to have to be overcome before I can deal with much. I guess. Actually it doesn't feel like that much of a problem. I have so far successfully avoided situations like that, I can go on avoiding them for a while yet whilst I sort other issues out. It's not like I actually fear people or crowds, just crowds where I feel very excluded.
It does also perhaps explain that strange fear I got about the wedding. It's why I'm not married. It's why I've been engaged for nearly 5 and a half years without getting married. I thought I just wasn't ready but apparently it's probably more down to the anxiety of the whole actual wedding thing rather than marriage.
But this is sidetracking really. And I must stop myself. Now this journal appears on the flist page of more than just my girlfriend long posts should be behind cuts. I'm going to stop waffling now and go and see if I can find something else to do that isn't catching up with my very busy yahoo groups. Because I think I'll be here for hours and I'm on my mother's computer rather than my own.
So it was my stepfather's retirement/60th birthday party last night. I travelled up especially to help out and to go to said party. Except that all through yesterday I was getting more and more internally freaked by the thought of it. By internally freaked I mean that I was getting freaked, but it was fairly subconscious. Affecting me, but not in a way that I realised until it was too late.
So I have scratches on my leg. There was floods of tears. I beat myself. Oh and then ended up hiding in a corner. Oh so manly.
So my mother suggested that if it was affecting me that badly that I didn't go. So I didn't. And felt much more able to be involved in helping again.
So it feels a little like a revelation in that I hadn't really realised before that groups of people I don't know or don't want to talk to actually freak me out that badly. And it probably explains why I act so badly in the build up to family events. I didn't realise it before because I have a fantastically supportive fiance who will help organise things so that I don't get left alone or whatever for too long during social events. The bad thing? I have not one fucking clue what to do about it.
Not entirely sure how it all relates to being trans, except that it feels like a hurdle that's going to have to be overcome before I can deal with much. I guess. Actually it doesn't feel like that much of a problem. I have so far successfully avoided situations like that, I can go on avoiding them for a while yet whilst I sort other issues out. It's not like I actually fear people or crowds, just crowds where I feel very excluded.
It does also perhaps explain that strange fear I got about the wedding. It's why I'm not married. It's why I've been engaged for nearly 5 and a half years without getting married. I thought I just wasn't ready but apparently it's probably more down to the anxiety of the whole actual wedding thing rather than marriage.
But this is sidetracking really. And I must stop myself. Now this journal appears on the flist page of more than just my girlfriend long posts should be behind cuts. I'm going to stop waffling now and go and see if I can find something else to do that isn't catching up with my very busy yahoo groups. Because I think I'll be here for hours and I'm on my mother's computer rather than my own.
