Funny kind of result

Every couple of years I guess I go on the bbc website and do that "what sex is your brain" quiz. Normally I'm fairly in the middle, maybe more female slightly. Well this time I'm definitely close to male than female. I guess that's why I'm writing about this in this journal - the bloke side of me journal. 

Part of me feels that this is splitting myself into parts when really what I want is to form a cohesive whole that I can work with for getting through life. I don't want the male side of me and the female side of me. I'm sick of mood swings. I'm sicking of being more in the mood to fancy men or women. I'm sick of splitting myself down the middle. I'm a woman who's also a bit of a bloke at times. 

It's funny really. Those feelings of the blokish bit do go quite sometimes. Have done for a bit. And then  the last couple of weeks they've resurfaced again. I can only put it down to hormones really because I'm well aware that I've been making more blokish moments recently from what people have said to me (people who don't know about meegosh). 

I hate gender dimorphism too. But then I don't feel like a butch woman. That's not me either. I feel a little bit woman and a little bit bloke, and those bits don't even out. They don't average out to make a butch woman, they don't average out. Not really. I'm happy to be a faminine woman sometimes and a masculine bloke at others. Sadly can't change the outside appearance to go with the inside feeling. 

Part of me doesn't want to flock this because I have no friends, but part of me doesn't want to confess where well, craig might read, what I want to be able to say. But I'm going to say it anyway. Sometimes, despite not really wanting children, I, it's almost desire, almost fantasy, almost feel, hard to describe, but like being pregnant and missing it by being not (I don't want children, it's the state of being pregnant). And other times, and these are actually the more powerful ones, I feel/miss a penis. Yee gods that just looked odd having written it. Resisting the urge to delete it. Why not be honest with myself here, I want to write this. As confusing as these feelings are the purpose of this journal is a place to get out those words that I have never dared write before. So yes. Those moments that it feels like it should be there and isn't. Because I have never before in my life written about this feeling before I have no idea how long ago I starting to get that feeling on and off. Hard to say. This whole blokish thing only crops up every now and again.

I can't pretend to understand these feelings. I don't even know if it's a trans thing or not. I don't know if it's something to do with how I split myself up into sections and label them all up. Hence the working towards a cohesive whole. Trying to fit together Stevie the woman and Meegosh the man into one person without splitting them apart so much and see what they person is like. In the mean time the names are handy shorthand for the seperate feelings. 

Btw, that quiz didn't show up that I had lots of testosterone (sp?) in my system or ever had, just that at this moment, today, my brain isn't outside the range for normal bloke. Go figure.

 

PS sometimes I do think about the children issue. It's one real reason for me to wrap my head around this. it's not fiar to still be trying to figure this out in any real way AFTER the decision is made to have them.

PPS there's discussion on a forum I go on about children and their behaviour towards dogs. Just made me think that little bit more about what I would be like as a parent, what fiance would be like, and my girlfriend. And it's a nice thought. Parent along with my girlfriend. Nice thought. 

Anyway, waffled long enough. Time for bed. Still wish it were possible to click my fingers and have the sex that reflected my feeling at the time. Even if it would scare the heck out of my fiance and would result in me sleeping in the spare room lots . . .