meegosh: (Default)
I am still slightly worried about the result of this assessment because the psych, a locum, actually seemed a little clueless, but I'm sure that my GP can help smooth things out there. He was an older asian chap and I think if I didn't have loads of experience of old men/doctors asking stupidly intimate questions about my life and my body I would have panicked even more than I did.

So he started by asking me why I was there today. I explained that I had gone to see my GP to seek to change my sex, and that she's done some research and hence the referral to them. He asked how long I'd known I was in the wrong body. I also got asked things like how I'd tried to be a girl and how long I'd tried. Part of my answer had been that I had tried to fit in with my peers and be interested in boys. I shouldn't have said that because it led to questions about whether I'd actually ever had a boyfriend, how many, how far I'd gone with them, how did it make me feel to have had sex with a man. I obviously didn't answer "good thanks, I've had quite attentive lovers actually", I didn't think it would go down well. I also was asked, because I mentioned that my family treated me differently once puberty hit, when I started puberty. I also talked about how much my female puberty had been monitered and how distressing that was. I didn't say too much about it because whenever I do I get close to tears because it was so traumatic an experience. I also was asked about whether I had a girlfriend and whether I lived with her. Less questioning there about how that made me feel.

I was asked about the changes that I wanted to make. I was asked whether I was financially indepedent, whether I had a job, what my job was, how I got on with my colleagues. I was also asked a little of my living arrangements because I was asked whether I lived alone or with my parents.

I was also asked questions which I'm not sure had a great deal of relevance. I can understand being asked whether I've ever suffered mental health problems (no, but mostly because I have actively not sought treatment, so that I can say no when asked this question), but find it less relevant to be asked whether my parents or siblings have ever suffered from mental health problems. I was asked whether my sisters were happy and whether they were married. I was asked how I feel at the moment (umm, actually in a fairly comfortable period after a very stressful 8 months thx, but I'm going to tell YOU that I'm really suffering from the role I have to play in daily life). I was also asked whether I'd suffered physical illness before. You know, like jaudice, fever etc. (wtf?). Which is actually how the turners stuff came up. I really didn't feel like listing all the physical illnesses I've ever had, because I didn't feel that he needed to know, but thankfully the turners is a nice mask because it's a pretty big health thing without being anything can has for example left me with poor health. I was asked whether I take the pill or any other medicines. My head was thinking "I've told you I don't have sex with men and you're asking me if I'm on the pill for contraception?!?".

All in the appointment was about 20 minutes. He explained that he was happy that I could function in my role as a man and would send a referral onto my GP for her to send to London. So this guy has two strikes again him - one is that when he asked how long I'd been with my girlfriend he wrote a different answer to the one I gave him, although it fits with my answer of having known for the last two years transition was a when not an if. Strike two is not knowing that there's clinics outside of London, nor that he'll have to send them the referal. But him sending it to my GP will actually be helpful, it means she can guide him to sending it to the right place instead of me being sent to Charing X. I feel kind of validated now. Like everything I've gone through, the haunted feeling I've had my whole life, it IS because I'm a man suffering a body which looks female. I now just have to wait for the referal to go through and then start "proving" to the "experts" that I am serious in what I want. But at least the stupid locum didn't try and suggest that I see anyone else there before he'd refer me. Oh and as I promised myself (I don't know whether I've said this yet) I have texted Work Pet to say to him that when he's back in Devon again I will explain to him what the whole referral was about. Because so far he's not known and I've been saying that it's not due to work stress but not telling him anything more. I do want to ask him out, I do think he'd seriously consider it (or at least has considered it in his own mind), but I think coming out to him will strike out any chance I ever had with him. But I think that's okay, because I kind of need to focus on me right now.

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meegosh

July 2011

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