Aug. 22nd, 2009 02:53 pm
meegosh: (Default)
meegosh: (Default)
Like I keep writing posts and stuff about how I'm sorry that I've been away but that I'm back now. Except that I know I'm not really. Because the things that kept me busy will continue to keep me busy, and I still won't be reading LJ so much. But hey a bit about my new job.

The women that I'm training with make me feel like I'm back in school surrounded by the same people who think they're rather the best and in actual fact have no real satisfaction in life. Because whilst I might be a geek at least I know the things that make me happy. Thankfully one woman is my salvation in there. She's in her 50s and like me doesn't have the time or energy to try and include herself in conversations and groups of the likes of our training group. Oh well, another week and we'll be starting our jobs properly. Which is actually kind of scary because it's not actually an easy job to do well.

BUT I think by some strange lighting striking twice kind of way, that there's a transwoman in my work group. I think because whilst I'm pretty sure that she's trans (and it would be rude to explain why I think it) I'm not sure whether she's in my group. Plus I am pretty darn bloody protected as a transperson working in this job. It's a government job and so apparently if I am bothered by people because I am trans then I can report them and they will get into trouble. The systems are in place to deal with these things in many forms so if one fails then there's others. Did you know that if you're trans in the UK (as in declared trans) that your details that are stuck behind your national insurance number can only be viewed by people high ranking enough and with special training. This is done to try and help protect transpeople from potential physical harm. As a transboy I'm not sure that physical harm is likely just for being trans but I'm aware that for transwoman it's very important to protect them and so I am in favour.

My transition has fairly ground to a halt. I had reached a point where I was actually just enjoying being a bit of a not butch tom boy. It's my period's fault really. I hate it. I hate the female hormones without getting angry about it. I hate them because they cause me pain, mood swings that are just so unmasculine, and contribute to robbing me of a satisfying sex life. So in the space of a few weeks I have gone from trying to pluck up the courage to see my GP about starting the ball rolling on transition (at least the mental health side whilst I decide about the timing of T) to not really feeling the need to transition. I know a lot of it's hang-ups based around what I think/I know I will lose by transitioning. I don't know about to talk to my best friend about it but also don't really want to transition without at least informing him. I guess that's one way to know that it's not the right time, if I'm making excuses to delay, but the monthly surge in female hormones do not help.

Speaking of the poison. My periods are getting to be very very painful. Painkillers and anti-inflams kept things in control this time, but I'm not sure that this is actually a very painful month. I fear the day I have period pain so bad that I can't drive home from work. I know that if the pills I have been taking don't keep things under control that the standard option that GPs go for then is a hormone contraceptive, but I really don't want to be increasing my female hormones. I wish I knew of something else I could do. I don't hate my womb, but I'm not exactly best pleased with my ovaries.

But you know, as soon as I plan on posting about how I'm feeling more of a woman again (even a tom boy)? Yeah, my masculine side bites me on the bum again. Can't dwell on it right now though because I know I'm not feeling ready for transition but also know that it's the only way for me to be finally rid of my breasts and periods. And I'll be lucky to have my dick ready by the end of the year. I'll be lucky to be measured for it before christmas. But then at least I will have the fun of deciding what I want it to look like.

the curse

May. 29th, 2009 05:56 pm
meegosh: (Default)
Crept up on me. Left me nearly throwing up with pain. Crippled with pain.

And the only thing I hate this time is that it feels such as weakness that I shouldn't have because no man should suffer from this. I don't want the excess female or male hormones so I'm not sure what to do about this pain. It's never been this bad but I do know I can suffer horribly from the curse pain. The pill solved the problem before, I don't fear the female hormones except for the fact that last time they made my breasts grow. At more than 30F now I can't afford to get bigger unless they're going to then cause me pain, which means I then qualify for an NHS breast reduction. But I don't want them getting any bigger.

Wish I knew what to do. Afterall, I don't want the female hormones, I don't want the male ones, and any GP is going to suggest the pill or such variant and I would have to explain why I didn't want it. It could get complicated real quick. But then I might find I actually have a very sympathetic GP who understands and will help me out. I've only met my GP once and she was very helpful, but I'm not sure I'm yet in a place to explain how I feel about my gender.

Oh bloody period GO AWAY


meegosh: (Default)

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