meegosh: (kestor)

My one and only post is rather lacking in detail. This is for two reasons. The first is that I find this all rather difficult to talk about. And the other is because I don't really understand the whole thing anyway. I don't know the right words or labels to use, and that makes communicating about it difficult, even if I could easily talk about it.

So I guess something of an explantion since I now feel more able to talk than I did when I started this journal. 
I sometimes joke to my SO (only one who knows any of this yet really) that when I was little I wasn't a little girl I was a little boy. Before the age of 7 just about all my friends were boys, I wore boy's clothes, I behaved like a little boy and had the kinds of interests that little boys have. I wasn't just a tomboy as it's normally used these days my family pretty much treated me and me, and me then was more boy than girl. 

Then I changed schools. And girls had to wear skirts and were expected to be friends with girls (not the expectation of the school, but the children), and I began learning about being a girl. Early puberty, regular visits to hospital because of a health thing/crappy chromosomes things where I was treated 100% as a girl because only girls have the genetic problem that I do, and then going to an all-girls school all contributed to the process of becoming feminine (see, I lack the words again, this was all about learning to be the gender that alines with my physical sex, but then I didn't really have a clue about being masculine either, and don't really now). I can't pretend it was an easy process though.

My family did what they could to help. They would have all been supportive if I had decided to change my physical sex to that to maleness. They told me several times they would, and to be honest I believe them, they can be hell sometimes otherwise but I know them well enough to know that something like this they would support me on. I stuggled with the whole thing on and off during my teenage years. I remember my eldest sister once telling me that she wouldn't be suprised if I ended up as a lesbion, and for years it was sometimes I really dreaded. I guess it might have contributed to a late blooming of my sexuality (I was 18 before I really thought about it, and rather quickly realised that I was bi, something I stick to these days).

Something I know now, but didn't realise when I was younger. The reason that I suffered sometimes so much about the whole sex/gender thing was not because I didn't want to be a woman, but simply because being one or the other full time all the time isn't how my brain works (again lacking the words to really describe how this feels, but as I said to my SO last night, I'm comfortable enough in a female body I don't feel the need for a sex change, because I know that if I had one that I wouldn't feel completely masculine anyway).

One thing I haven't described is how paganism taught me to not hate the fact that I am female and have working female body bits (although that goes out the window with period pain). I had a role model - the goddess, and learnt that there's a certain kind of power and responsibility to being female.

So where I am right now is that I don't feel fully feminine. I have no problem with dressing up in skirts and dresses, I enjoy doing so, but sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and have that male body. Not forever, but for a few days at a time or something. This has always been so personal, and it was only after watching Tipping the Velvet recently that I was even able to raise the issue with my SO (who is wonderfully supportive, even if I know he'd leave me if I started living as male full time but that's fair enough because he is straight) and I haven't said to anyone else. In fact I said to my best friend last night that I have a second journal here on LJ to kept seperate from my main one some bits of my life, but couldn't bring myself to tell him. And I was going to leave him a comment in his journal from this journal, but having written this out I'm not sure I can now. He knows me too well that I can't bullshit him on anything, and I'm scared that I'm changing my memories to fit how I feel right now and that he'll call me on it. I've kept a diary for years, but I have only rarely mentioned anything about this in it because it's so private.

The idea of telling anyone is scarier than when I come out to people as bi, and I haven't even told any of my family. I can't bring myself to tell my friends or my girlfriend or my best friend. Not because I'm ashamed but because I don't really know how it changes things nor how I want it to change things. I spent a lot of time out in the woods so the idea of being more bloke when I'm there is appealing; a prop for peeing like a bloke and something to strap down my 32F breasts is only part of it [laughs]. 

So I have my main journal for the feminine mostly full time side, and this journal for the masculine side. So here I am not the woman most people know, and will not respond to my female name if anyone does find me. I have the name Meegosh here (from the film Willow, because reguardless of sex or gender I'm still a shortarse), and even have a "real life" name to go with this side of me.

Short version:
First part of my life: felt like a boy. Then felt more like a girl. Now feel more inbetween and happy enough to live most of the time as a woman and am fairly happy with that, just unable to tell people the full story.


meegosh: (Default)

July 2011

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