May. 11th, 2011

meegosh: (Default)
So after a rather chipper start to yesterday, my mental health rather went downhill to the point where I wasn't fully functioning. I knew it was the dysphoria in particular when I *really* started to wibble at the thought of getting naked to shower.

It's been a few weeks now since I was showering in the near dark because the dysphoria wouldn't let me cope with the sight of my own naked body. At home I normally shower by a single tealight when I'm that bad. Only I wasn't home last night, I was at my mum's. So I had to go for a navy shower instead. Shortest possible time naked. My head was not on straight.

And I had a realisation last night as well. I've heard plenty of folks further along with transition than me comment about the dysphoria never really goes away. My interpretation of that is that the trigger parts of our bodies shift and that our bodies can still affect us in a negative way. But last night I realised that my biggest trigger is often the contrast between when I manage to get myself to a point where I feel comfortable (which currently is clothed) and the "truth" of my body. And yeah, I have a feeling it might never go away. I might feel as negatively about scars as I do about the lumps and bumps now. But it's no reason not to transition. I might always feel body dysphoria, but hopefully transition can deal with the dysphoria which is gender based rather than body based, and will ease some of the body dysphoria. And I hope that's not an unrealistic expectation.

PS At team meeting today we all got reminded to return ASAP our sheets with all our info, so that the database can be updated with our details. I'm holding onto mine until my one-to-one tomorrow because I think it'll be a good step in to explaining to my manager. "So I didn't want to fill it in without explaining the name change on it to you". I figure it's a good enough lead in. I don't know what I want from work yet but I know I need to tell them. My plan was to figure out how to start transition at work ASAP but with so much RL crap going on I might need to delay a little to get stuff sorted out. That's just my thinking and I will make it clear that I might need to move things on a bit faster if I react badly mentally to waiting, but trying not to pile too much onto myself at once. Oh and STILL no word on an appointment at the clinic.


meegosh: (Default)

July 2011

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