Apr. 8th, 2011

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Before I started on the anti-depressants I kind of said that if my funding application got turned down by the PCT again that I would have a breakdown. I was so close to it then that I knew that I couldn't handle the disappointment. Only because I knew that I could apply again or appeal, really the disappointment was having to wait even longer. And so that letter the other day has done it. I'm having a breakdown again. Thank the gods I have supportive managers around me at work.

Two days in a row I have got just passed lunchtime and just hit a mental brickwall where I could do no more work. Walking out of work today I ended up sitting out on the grass and sobbed for about half an hour. And then just ambled off for a walk for an hour. This is never a good sign because I've done stuff like that at the height of stuff in the past. I walk off because I decide I can't go the direction I should be going, decide I can't face turning back. And well, in the past that's meant ending up 5 miles away before I could face heading back. It's not like going for a walk to clear the cobwebs or anything, I'm always going somewhere and decide that I can't possibly actually go in that direction. But it was productive because it allowed me to actually feel what I've been feeling and not just push it aside for the sake of functioning.

And I've been feeling detached from myself. I'm grieving something. I feel invalidated and trapped.

And I don't think just talking about it is going to help. Being detached from myself is part of hiding myself. What I'm grieving is the life I still can';t have and I feel invalidated because I let people use female pronouns and terms for me. And I feel trapped because I've been letting myself wait for the NHS when really, I couldn't give a feck and can't wait for their timetable.

I want to completely shed female me outside of work. I need to sit down and write that letter to my father. I need to lay down for my mother that she has to stop referring to me as her daughter. And I need this time away from work, and from customers calling me "miss". I need to walk the walk now and stop dabbling. I need to stop playing and start living the life I need to live. And I can't wait for the NHS in order to do so. I need to bite the bullet. Work will have to wait because my manager is on leave and he is the next person for me to speak to in order to make things happen there.

I would go to pride this weekend but I fear getting mistaken for a butch lesbian. And I need a bit more headspace. Am due to meet up with an online friend for lunch sunday so I have some potential for positive there. I'm not going with boyfriend to meet up with a group of people we know this weekend because I can't cope with the invalidation of my identity I'll get.

This is it. I draw the line. Female me is no more, even if I have to play the role for a bit longer, and the proper me is born.

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meegosh

July 2011

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